Tag Archives: domestic violence

#YesAllWomen

I wasn’t sure I wanted to share a story to add to the conversation started by yet another terrible act of gun violence. I don’t really want to talk about the tragedy, except to send out my deepest condolences and love to those who lost someone last week. You can read about what happened here, here, here, and my personal favorite, here.

But I do want to talk about the hash tag, and why I think this is one of the most important conversations needed between feminism and the culture at large. I think this issue, the issue of violence against women in our culture, is an issue that every single person should care about. It’s something each of us should try to understand, and fix. Because the fear that women walk around with everyday (and yes, it is indeed all women) is a burden that our culture creates. Out of thin air. And not only do we expect women to carry around this fear, we also expect them to mitigate the violence by dressing appropriately, and watching their drinks, and traveling in groups. We put the onus on them to protect themselves, instead of teaching our boys and men to lead compassionate and non violent lives.

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Before you start in with the ‘but wait! not all men are like that’, read that paragraph again. I did not claim that all men were violent, or that all men are rapists. I said that women are afraid, and I said that we don’t teach men and boys to have enough compassion. We stunt their emotional growth. This affects everyone differently, the same way that women deal with their internalized fear and shame differently. Not all men are violent, and not all women are victims. But each and everyone one of us is affected by the saturation of gendered violence that the culture perpetuates. (Here are some enlightening stats, facts, and numbers.)

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My #YesAllWomen story is not unique. It’s not, in fact, the only personal story I could tell about experiencing gendered aggression or violence. I’m not going to tell it to you because I think it’s particularly special. The reason to tell it is because it is all too typical, because we need to add as many drops as possible to the bucket of our voices, so that people start to understand. I was out one night with friends, mostly guys, at a crappy bar on Bleeker street to which I will never go back. We were all playing beer pong, and when my game was over I went to the bar to get myself a drink. On the way through the crowd and back I was groped a couple of times, but since this is something that happens frequently I pushed my way through the crowd only mildly irritated. Back at the beer pong tables I was approached by a man who began chatting me up. No big deal. The conversation escalated quickly, and he started saying really nasty things to me. Things like ‘Have you ever been with a black guy before?’ (none of your business) and ‘I bet I know just how you’d like it.’ (nope, not true, also not relevant) and ‘I’d like to…’ (not worth repeating.) Not polite conversation for a complete stranger. He asked to dance with me and I tried to demurely deny but he pulled me towards him and began to grind against me. He put his hands all over me, even on my thighs under my dress. I tried to make eye contact with my friends, but I wasn’t able to non-verbally convey that I was completely uncomfortable and intimidated. Finally I stepped back and excused myself to the bathroom. He’d been asking for my number, saying he wanted to take me and my friends out to clubs he promoted, bottle service, blah blah ew. He asked for my number again, and when I said ‘I don’t think so, not tonight.’ he spit one final word at me as I turned away. ‘Bitch.’

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So then I went to the bathroom and cried. I was angry, and ashamed. I knew that he was a jerk, but I also felt that I should have stopped him. I should have been more aggressive, and talked back. I should have known better. I mean, I’ve done the reading! I’ve done the writing! I’m a bona-fide self proclaimed feminist! How could I let him treat me this way? Why did I get this drunk? Why did I wear this dress? Why did I let him say those things, and touch me like that? Why was I letting him make me feel so worthless?

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I tried in vain to get my friends to leave with me. They were also pretty drunk, and still playing beer pong and having fun, and again they couldn’t understand what had happened. I left the bar and walked home alone (dangerous) and crying (pathetic.) To their credit, the next morning my friends asked what had happened. In the light of day we had a conversation about men and masculinity, about hitting on girls in bars, about crossing the line, about why I’d needed them to come with me. I’ll always be grateful that they cared enough to ask, even if they hadn’t been able to understand in the moment.

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So that’s it. My story happens hundreds of times a night. That guy, whoever he was, he is a scum bag, but he’s not importantly or uncommonly scummy. Every woman I know has a story about being cat called, hit on, or groped, only to be insulted once they rebuffed the man’s advances. It’s a particularly hateful and breath-taking bait and switch, and it reveals the person for what they truly were all along: a person who doesn’t respect you or deserve your body or your attention for a single second longer. Wanting control over your own body, or simply not being attracted to someone, does not make any of us worthless. It doesn’t make us bitches or sluts. You don’t owe anyone gratitude or sex. But sometimes, the voice inside me that knows that this is true is drowned out by the overwhelming messages of misogyny and violence that I absorb on the streets everyday.

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The thing about this conversation is that it isn’t about this kid who had guns. His viewpoints really aren’t that extreme, and you can see that if you care to explore the heinous online communities he was apart of. The important thing to remember is that every woman you know walks around wondering if the next guy they don’t smile at when prompted, the next guy at a bar they ask not to touch them, the next stranger on the street or the next date they decide they don’t want to sleep with, will hurt them. Will take what they feel entitled to. And so we don’t always speak up, we don’t fight back. We try to protect ourselves and avoid the violence all around us, and no one suggests that maybe we should try to heal some wounds and take steps to teach empathy and respect so that violence isn’t an option.

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And one last thing. If you’re first reaction to these stories and tweets is to go on the defensive, to quickly mention that some guys are great and innocent and respectful, then I’d ask you to stop for one moment, take a breath, and listen. It’s not about the fact that not all men rape or hit. It’s about allowing women the space to express themselves regarding a phenomenon that affects us, it’s about remembering that even if you are not violent or if you’ve never had this type of experience, it doesn’t negate the overwhelmingly universal experiences of others. Sadly, I think that the issue of violence against women is a thread that connects womankind, across race and class and sexuality and nations, in a way that other feminist issues do not. If you already know how to treat the people around you with respect and consideration, then this conversation isn’t about you. And the best way you can help is to listen, and to speak up when you see or hear people expressing misogyny in any way. Use your knowledge, use your voice, to enlighten others. The more voices, the more drops in that bucket, then the more folks will be able to see that the bucket is really an ocean, and that ocean is an ocean of tears, and that we are all affected by and responsible for it’s depth and breadth.

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‘You Complete Me’ Syndrome

Remember this 90’s gem?

Oh man, I really can’t stand Zellweger. But, the bigger problem here is Mr Cruise’s line. “You complete me.” Oh man, that sounds so nice doesn’t it. Romantic, epic. *sigh.*

Here’s the problem. This whole cultural story, this fairy tale, doesn’t lead to healthy relationships. We are all waiting for the ‘Happily Ever After’, when we should be creating ‘Happy This Moment.’ I have been reading about Codependent relationships recently (I am trying to figure out how to be a good friend in various situations…) and it is pretty disturbing. Codependent used to refer to a person who enabled an addict, like the wife of an alcoholic. Now the definition is broader, and includes a person who stays in a relationship that is unfulfilling, doesn’t value their own needs, enables emotional or physical abuse, and is addicted to the hope that things will get better. (That is a really watered down summary from someone with zero medical knowledge. If you’d like to read more, start here.) What’s worse is that women are trained from a young age to be caregivers, mediators, multi-taskers. This positions us to be more susceptible to a codependent relationship, as does the fact that women are overwhelmingly more likely to be victims of abuse (95% of all domestic abuse victims are women, 1 is 6 women are victims of rape or attempted rape vs 1 in 33 men. The stats are overwhelming.) When you are in a codependent relationship, the hardest thing is to leave, and from what I’ve seen there are two main reasons for this. The first is that codependent people are desperately afraid of abandonment. The second is that the qualities of a codependent person are often encouraged in women, and many think that codependency is how love should feel. And in fact, some shrinks claim that all relationships include levels of codependency, making it even harder to distinguish between a close relationship and an unhealthy one.

But needing someone isn’t loving them. Being afraid to leave isn’t a good reason to stay. The most romantic thing I’ve ever heard anyone say is “Your mom and I could leave each other any day. If she found someone better, or I didn’t make her happy, we could have separate lives. We’d survive on our own. But I don’t want that, so it’s my job everyday to make the life we’ve created together a life that she wants to keep. It’s my job to make her want to stay.” Yea, Kenneth gets it. At first you think, wait that’s kinda weird. You could just leave, I mean damn. And then you realize, being able to leave but wanting to stay, that’s overwhelming. That is how love should feel. We are not damsels in distress who need rescuing away to the happy part of our lives. We are not little girls who deserve bad treatment, taking abuse because we’ve learned that’s how love feels. Love shouldn’t feel like a castle or a gilded cage. It should feel like the ultimate freedom. And sure, the people you love should push you to be the best version of yourself. But no one completes you. And (yes, I’ve said this before) if you feel like you are clinging to someone extra hard, that is a sure sign that you need to let it go. It’s up to you to sweep yourself away, to the life you want, knowing all the while that you deserve a person who will show up and stay. Not because they are obligated, but because you are just so freakin’ LOVABLE. IRRESISTIBLE. DESERVING.