OMG 2 posts in one night. Hey, when inspiration hits you gotta run with it.
So I’m uptown babysitting my precious Ry bear, and I’m watchin Mamma Mia!. Now, I recognize that this isn’t the greatest musical adapted to film, probably because the music is ABBA, but Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried are AWESOME. So cute. Meryl can do no wrong. Here’s the trailer just for fun-sies.
Obviously marriage is a large theme of the film. And there are some really lovely mother/daughter scenes. And as I was watching, I started wondering about my own parents. See, I don’t want to get married. Ever. And don’t roll your eyes like ‘Oh you’re just a baby!’ ect. Marriage is a particular kind of life, just one kind of relationship, that is complicated and privileged and oh so political. It affects everything from your name to your health insurance to your cultural status to your gym membership. And it hasn’t historically been good for women, being that it used to be (and sometimes still is) the trading of property. Property expected to shut up and bear children, honor and obey. And we don’t let the gays do it even tho over 1/2 of husbands and wives divorce. So I’m not into it. (Read The Trouble with Normal by Michael Warner for some really excellent scholarship on this issue.)
Here’s a confession though. I’m really a romantic person. Seriously. I can tell you all about the name of the 1st boy I fell in love with, and my top 5 kisses of all-time. I love romantic comedies, especially old movies with Audrey Hepburn. And my parents have been married for 28 years, I have their wedding song tattooed on my wrists, and I admire their relationship so hard it hurts sometimes. I very believe in love. But love is hard in this day and age, and I can’t bring myself to hope for a life where I’d give up some of my autonomy and dedicate my days to one other person. I mean, why can’t I share health insurance with roommates, or have a party with a lot of cool gifts for me and my best friend just because we’ve known each other for 25 years (love you CEM). There are so many ways to organize your life. It’s just this one heteronormative (fav word) way that has gotten raised up above all others. Even though it doesn’t always (1/2 the time, actually) work. But sometimes I feel guilty. I mean, I’m sure my parents didn’t predict that I’d grow up to be such a beast feminist. And I know they want what I want, and they support me totally (not just this blog either, but like my academic career and my life in NY… it’s outrageous). But does my dad wanna walk me down the aisle? Does my mom wanna help me pick out a dress? Do they worry that I won’t have anyone to take care of me the way they take care of each other?
I don’t really know the answers. They are probably in the range of ‘well, sort of, but…’. I have been in love, in lust, indifferent and heart broken, and I hope that I can continue to have a range of relationships, with people who teach me new things (or at least provide me with good sex). I wanna fall in love again (when I have the time… then again it always seems to happen at just the wrong moment so I shouldn’t be picky), but I also don’t wanna become single minded. Its been my experience that friendships take a back seat to relationships, and I don’t think that needs to be so. I never want that, because my friends have been there for me through all that shit I mentioned above and god bless them they put up with my rants and I owe them all that I am. So I guess I can only try to be present in the moment, say thank you to those I am grateful for (for all of you reading, FYI) and try to do what makes me happy. I hope my parents understand. I’ll be lucky if I find someone who is half as wonderful to me as they are to each other. Hopefully I can find love and have a life that is just off the beaten path, outside the heteronormative box, in some kind of queer space… Ah, the dream that dare not speak its name. Here’s hopin…
continuumissues 
sooo i can’t wait to get married… but that’s not shocking to you because one of my favorite pop songs in taylor swift “love story” and one of my fav lines of that songs is:
Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet
You’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that’s all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story baby just say yes
(so pretty much the last half of the song.. sorry i posted the whole thing)
buuuuuuut …. I’d never ditch you! lol 🙂
good post!
Elyse, I love that song. And I loved disney movies as a kid (ALADDIN!!!), and I love them now. I totally get being enamored with the fairy tale, I’m totes not immune to it. Go for what you want and don’t settle for less
Heteronormative bullshit
I just re-read this and I know that we’re different in many ways but that last paragraph I could’ve written from my own hand and it would’ve held true literally word for word. So thank you for speaking not only for yourself but at least one other soul who somewhere along his childhood decided to take that weird squiggly road to the other side of the forest
Maybe you were referencing
“While love is a dangerous guide,
there are parts of the forest
we sometimes find ourselves in
that no other guide ever guesses the existence of.”
-unknown
Actually, it’s the same thing I told Elyse. Dream big and don’t settle for less. Squiggly, queer, whatever you wanna call it. But that isn’t easy, we’re all more controlled and well taught than we understand (foucault)
I think you’ll be able to have what you want, since romance & love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand with marriage. My (wonderful) bf recently told me he always associated marriage with buying a house. He knows it’s not true, but that’s what’s gotten stuck in his head for some reason. Just goes to show that people have ideas about marriage that have nothing to do with the actual partner, and are inculcated from an early age.
I can totally understand that association since marriage is a lot of things and also a marriage of assets and economics. The story is told to us over and over and over, its really hard to escape. I think part of my worry is that I don’t just want to not get married, but live a married life. Like, what is it like outside that box? It’s kind of hard to even imagine.