Tag Archives: sex

Stick to that Letter: Key & Peele cunnilingus skit

I laughed out loud, at my desk at work, while watching this. Before we discuss it’s pros and cons, lets just enjoy the comedy, brought to us by Key & Peele on Comedy Central.

Alright, alright alright. Catch your breath. Let’s start with the good stuff. First of all, any entertainment that portrays a sex education class for men with the goal of encouraging enthusiastic partner pleasuring is a WIN. Using humor to encourage mutual satisfaction is great. And some of that advice is actually quite accurate (don’t focus only on the clit, make letters with your tongue, gauge your partners response and stick with what is working). If you have an aversion to a particular act, maybe explore why that is. You of course have every right to say ‘not for me’, but especially in the case of cunnilingus, the issue deserves some thought, since culturally we aren’t taught to appreciate female anatomy or pleasure.┬áSex should be fun, and it should feel good, for all parties involved. There is no set script to stick to, no correct order, and no limit on what you can do (besides consent. It’s gotta be consensual.) Let your imagination run free and have fun!

get hype!
get hype!

But. It fell short for me in a few places. The word ‘bitches’ is just so jarring, when it’s used so often in such a short clip. I know they are playing characters from a very specific cultural segment, but I thought it was a bit much (although ‘learn your bitch’s snowflake’ was PRICELESS.) It’s a harsh word that doesn’t evoke respect or caring, and I think using ‘woman’ or even ‘lady’ could still have worked within the character’s universe. The only other moment I wish hadn’t happened was the line ‘Penises are easy. Vaginas are hard.’ Because that is just not true. The anatomy is different, sure. And it is true that penises are external, so visually they are easier to see and handle. But vaginas, labia, clits and g-spots are really not difficult to navigate. It may be true that female-bodied folks need more stimulation time, but I don’t have actual stats to back that up, and if they do THEN SO WHAT?! Take your time. Vary from the oh so boring script that is disseminated in mainstream porn. Act with care and enthusiasm, and notice to your partner’s response. Don’t assume all your partners will want the same choreography or timing, be ready to switch it up pay attention to everyone’s cues.


EPIC ADDENDUM: That advice works for all gender variations, so I think we all need to grow up a little bit and block out sexy fun time and freakin’ GO FOR IT. Don’t be scared to make mistakes, be open to feedback and trying new moves, and most of all up your enthusiasm. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake is a worthy endeavor, so broaden your horizons/challenge yourself to be a better partner/leave shame at the door/wild out. It may take time, and serious work, but I’m hopeful a more sex positive world (free of shame and violence) will emerge in the near future. *Note: This ending paragraph applies to everyone everywhere regardless of sex/gender/sexuality/any other demographic factor. Get. Into. It.

gogetitGIF youbetterworkGIF

**2nd Note: I know how optimistic/idealistic/borderline nuts that last sentence sounds. But hey, a girl can dream.



Chemical Components of Cuddling

Well, I’m in cuddle withdrawal. No doubt about it. Not tryin’ to brag, but this phenomenon got me curious so I decided to do some research. It turns out, I’m not the only person who wonders why even though you sleep alone for 99% of your life, one night with another person and suddenly your body craves that other body. Here, briefly and unscientifically, is what I found out. (If you wanna check out the research tools, I just googled “cuddle and sex chemicals”.)

google image results, molecules!

Basically, sex and cuddling release a cocktail of different chemicals in your brain. Some of these we are familiar with, like adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. So at different times we feel amped up, euphoric, sleepy, invincible. Whew! But there is also this ‘cuddle chemical’ called oxytocin which supposedly makes you bond with the person you are touching. This fascinates me, how smart our bodies are. Because, speaking from a Darwin perspective, if we bond with those we cuddle with then we’ll have more sex and produce more babies.

Darwin Valentine! wu hoo! oxycotin and endorphins

But in my life this is sort of annoying. Because the thing is, I’m busy, and my love life is anything but consistent. So the chemical hangover is really just confusing. How am I supposed to figure out what I want, how I feel, what my limits are, when my brain is pumping all these chemicals through me and all I can really think about is when I get to be near that person again?

Ok and now a side note. When doing research, most of what I found was focused on how men react to chemicals, and even how men are ‘more like women’ sometimes due to these chemicals. I think its fascinating that we want to gender feelings like affection, and that affectionate men can get off the hook using this chemical excuse. I also was frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t find information that was woman-centered, which is somewhat typical in the medical community because the male body is considered the standard and the female body is weird (especially when we do things like menstruate and get pregnant. CRAZY!) I don’t think that you can explain away every reaction and feeling with science, and I think it’s dangerous to try. Cultural learning is huge, and who can say how all the varied factors of modern life (diet, medication, environmental substances) affect each individuals’ brain chemistry? So while I found this information somewhat helpful and interesting, I’m not putting too much stock in it. What makes more sense to me is that from the time we are children we are fed a wide away of fairy tales, women getting rescued, white knights and happily ever after getting pumped into our imagination. And even once we grow up and know better, it’s always and intoxicating idea. Falling in love is the ultimate cultural adventure, and I think its a story we all want to be a part of. So instead of blaming the chemicals (although they do exist and play a role), I’m gonna chalk it up to an overactive imagination and my childhood love of Disney films. And until I can cuddle again, I’m hoping that yoga and laughter will curb my cravings. It’s amazing all of the myriad ways there are to feel good…

In Defense of Batteries

Ok, so maybe I’ve had sex on the brain lately. Maybe thats a ridiculously obvious statement that could be made on any day of the week, month or year. But it’s important, and not just because more orgasms=happier people, but its also extremely political and conflicted.

But in this post we are gonna keep it kinda simple and talk about vibrators.

Oh boy! Female masturbation! How TABOO! I must confess, I get really confused when girls don’t do this, or when they don’t know the specifics of their anatomy. A vagina is not as straight forward (straight up?) as a penis. It needs exploration. How do you expect to be able to give adequate directions if you yourself have never reached the destination? So, for your personal exploration guidance, check out this amazing book “The Smart Girl’s Guide to the G-Spot.” I thought I was up to date with this info, but let me tell you what I found a whole new world. A dazzling place I never knew.

Now, obviously, a lot can be accomplished manually. But batteries can provide that extra push over the edge. Just the other day I thought mine had broken, and I was seriously in a funk about it. Luckily I used that grad-school education to deduce that I just needed to change the batteries. Whew! Crisis avoided.

Here’s the thing. Men are automatically seen as sexual, aggressive creatures. Women’s sexuality is marginalized or outright villianized (remember Eve? or better yet, Lilith?!) but our bodies are not to origin of evil. They aren’t even that complicated (its 2 inches back and straight up, FYI, but you’ll read the book and get the full scoop). You should not be ashamed to figure yourself out. Its easier for boys because they are culturally encouraged and because their equipment is easily accessed. But giving yourself orgasms is like taking time out to cook for yourself or read a good book. It’s something nice to do for you. And honestly, no one can give you as good of an orgasm as you can, once you get the hang of it. So if you want to have great sex more often than not, get to work on the solo piece before you try a duet (or trio… of whatever numerical collaboration you like to work with).

After all, faking is so late 20th century rom com.

Oh, and here’s a suggestion on where to buy goodies. And I’ll totally go with!