The ‘B’ in LGBTQ

Do you know anyone who identifies as bi-sexual?

Do you think they are greedy? Indecisive? Are they lying or seeking attention?Perhaps really just gay and not ready to take the full leap yet?

Check this classic Sex and the City convo about Carrie’s young  love interest (sorry for the bad dubbing, that wasn’t me and youtube is not trying to give me what I want!)

That conversation may seem dated, but I know plenty of people who’d still describe that as ‘real talk’. Which is why this excellent article from the New York Times, regarding a new push to ‘prove’ that bisexuality exists, wasn’t shocking to me. The writer describes various studies, all collecting physical data and hoping to measure arousal levels to compare with personal identity statements. I can only imagine that this push for scientific legitimacy is happening because folks who identify as bi are actually super likely to be met with ire and mistrust. In some cases, this pushback is more than a gay or lesbian person would get, because lots of folks think that bi-sexual isn’t a real identity.

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This situation is a clear example of the problem with linking sexual preference to identity. Actually linking any choice with identity, at least a large group identity. The way that the mainstream LGBTQ community has managed to gain access to rights such as marriage and non-discrimination laws is by a savvy combination of ‘I was born this way’ and ‘we’re just like you.’ And the idea that people choose who they are attracted to is actually super dangerous to this fight, because hateful idiots would use that as ammunition to discriminate and withhold inalienable rights.

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But sexuality and sexual preference only exist as an identity marker because the culture demanded it. I used to joke that ‘gay people didn’t exist before 1960’, and that’s actually not completely inaccurate. Folks who wanted to sleep with same sex partners before that was culturally acceptable did so in secret, or in the semi-open as more of a lifestyle choice. Lesbians, in particular, got away with this a lot because it wasn’t seen as a threat to men (because how could sex possibly happen without a penis??) Because these folks were not organized and asking for legitimacy in society, they were less visible. And their sexual choices were what they did, and not exactly who they were.

I do, of course, think it is important that folks are able to live openly, without fear of violence or prejudice and with the full range of options for how to live their lives. However. The more categories you create, the more boxes you draw and the more pressure everyone feels to fit in a box. And we do love boxes don’t we? Male or Female. Gay or Straight. Chocolate or Vanilla. PICK A FLAVOR!!!!!!

banana

But these boxes, these binaries, are reductive and exclusive and they breed a lot of hate and misunderstanding. And bisexuality is an interesting example, because even folks in the traditionally maligned group (gay/lesbian) and their allies are distrustful and ignorant. The same could be said about transgender folks, who face discrimination even from other liberal or oppressed groups. The inbetween people face the most antagonism.

Why is this? What are we all so uncomfortable with? I remember learning about the word queer in grad school, reading about queer time and queer space. I felt so saved by the ideas I learnt about, ideas that gave a name to life trajectories that don’t follow a heteronormative path and a world view that is more circular and leaves room for error. I wanted to exist in those spaces, outside the world of marriages and jobs and the lives that so many choose without choosing. I wanted to exist on the page, at dusk and dawn, living a path of otherness as many had done before me.

And actually, I rejected the term bi-sexual. It was another box, and felt strangely surgical to me. As though that word, bi-sexual, split me into two parts. As though those parts were competing with one another. But there are not two parts of me, just one whole self. And as I learned how to love, I did have experiences that I felt took me out of the ‘hetero’ category. But I don’t, and have never, liked any of the labels I heard as options. So I thought to myself ‘I love at dusk’, and I left it at that.

iamcomplicated

The studies being done now do shed light on the variations and complications intrinsic to our sexuality, our sexual preferences, and our experience of our own sexual identity. There is a reason why people think that bi-sexual men don’t exist because they are all secretly gay. It isn’t, however, because men can’t be bi-sexual. It’s because we live in a culture where women are believed to be more fluid, and men are given less freedom to experiment. Less wiggle room. And so, it stands to reason that men are less likely to explore desires that could make them vulnerable to a label they are not comfortable with. And that sucks. And it sucks that lots of young women who come out as bi are told ‘it’s just a phase’ and that ‘they’ll grow out of it.’ And it sucks that if you are bi, it can be super hard to find same sex partners because they are distrustful and fear that you will leave them for a hetero relationship. And it sucks that in order to be recognized as a human worthy of respect and rights, you must draw a line in the sand and say ‘I exist, and there are others like me.’ The more categories of folks that come forward, the more we miss the point: That sexuality is a continuum, a path along which we are all traveling. It grows, it evolves, it changes. And our sexuality doesn’t define us. And no sexuality could possibly negate a person’s right to be treated with respect and live a full life.

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here here

Although, I do kinda like this definition quoted in the article:

I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way and not necessarily to the same degree.

That shape feels large enough, with flexible enough edges, that I may just be able to dance in there comfortably, with other folks on similar adventures. Cause we are all just trying to be who we are, really. I think this grumpy pug in a unicorn costume illustrates our collective struggle to metamorphize into our most magical selves.

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Never stop trying. The struggle is real, haters gonna hate, the journey is long. Find other folks wearing unicorn outfits, love those people for their whole unique selves, take care of them and allow them to take care of you. One day it won’t take scientific data for folks to accept the truth about who we all are and who we all love.

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One thought on “The ‘B’ in LGBTQ

  1. Very nicely written and wonderful points. I have long been in agreement with a lot of what you talked about here. Sometimes it’s hard to articulate exactly how I feel about sexuality, especially since I spend so much (too much!) time in hetero-normative spaces these days. But growing up with lots of queer friends and being of the very open minded nature I’ve always been pretty accepting of whatever people want to call themselves, not call themselves, and whoever they want to partner with or not partner with.

    It’s usually when I start talking to my friends & family (even the open minded ones) who don’t have any close gay/bi/trans friends that I start realizing how uncomfortable many people are with any form of sexuality that falls outside of those well publicized boxes.

    One anecdote of this is how I was telling someone about my (former) housemate who is a gay man who really, really wanted a family. He ended up adopting a son, and then he ended up meeting a woman who was very much in the same alternative circle as him and they really jived. She had several kids from previous relationships, and they ended up having a kid as well, and are now getting married. The person I told was like, “Hm… I mean not that I would argue for that side but I guess I could see how that could be used as an example for why being gay is more of a choice.” Not that she’s wrong, necessarily, but I felt like she was grappling with the idea of sexuality being or not being a choice that was to me, in this particular scenario, was irrelevant.

    To me, his whole situation was a mildly funny (for a variety of reasons outside of just his sexuality, namely the copious number of children running around our house) but it also made perfect sense. I mean he’s a man who really wanted a family, he was having a hard time finding a partner who had that same desire as him, finally he found a person who he could not only immediately have a big family with but also had a really good connection with as far as values, lifestyle, goals, etcetera go, and the fact that she doesn’t have a penis is such a minor detail in the overall scheme of things. He is still a gay man, he is still attracted to men and has sexual feelings for them I’m sure, but his sexuality is fluid enough that he can find happiness and satisfaction in this (monogamous) relationship which brings him a great number of things that are more important to him than a dick in the bed. The fact that that was so immediately apparent to me but was kind of lost on other people made me realize how much people have to learn about sexuality! They get so focused, “Well does that mean he’s not gay?” without looking at the bigger picture of the relationship.

    Anyway, not sure if I made it clear how I feel that story relates to your post, but I am totally on your page. I found your blog because of you being on Guys we Fucked and immediately knew when I heard how you were approaching subjects and your argument style that, “Yep, that girl is gonna be awesome.” I look forward to reading lots more of your blog posts!

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