Dis-Continuity

The definition of continuity, from Merrium Webster:

1) uninterrupted connection, succession or union

2) uninterrupted duration or continuation especially without essential change

I really like the idea of continuity. It feels comforting. When things can stay the same for awhile, at least a few things or maybe even just a couple details. And I think that lately I have been experiencing a distinct lack of continuity, in all aspects of my life. It occurred to me recently that perhaps this problem is not unique. Then it occurred to me that of course its not unique. In fact, its a distinctly modern problem.

Let me clarify. I don’t mean that people in the past did not feel a lack of continuity. That’s what Fiddler on the Roof is about (duh.) But there has been a huge change in how quickly this happens. In todays world, its normal to move around more often, leave your home town, communicate in an ever growing number or digital ways. I have lived in 4 apartments in 5 years (not counting dorms) since I’ve lived in New York. I certainly don’t live in my hometown, and this creates all sorts of interesting relationships. You have your home friends, the kids who knew you before you could drive and while you applied to college. And then you have your college friends or your job friends, the people you interact with in this life, this pseudo (or very) adult part of your life. And your home friends will never really interact with you this way, and the newer ones will never know that adolescent person you used to be. And neither one is really better, they are just different. And of course you miss your old friends, and try to keep in touch even though usually you get further immeshed in the new place and new routine.

And what about this new routine? Sometimes I marvel at how different I feel from the girl I once was. Because life is moving so quickly, and sometimes you have to do things you don’t really want and give things up that you never thought you would. Sometimes this happens in one big tragic moment, sometimes things just fade away. I sometimes look around, look at my schedule and my reflection and my apartment, and I wonder how I even got here.

I’m not sure what to do about this, this fragmented feeling. I know that my parents don’t have this exact feeling, or at least they didn’t at my age. I want to figure out how to slow down the stuff I can slow down, how to make sure I don’t give up things I truly want to keep. I want to be able to remember who I am. Because when you start to get mixed up about that its really hard to stay positive when the economy is bullshit and work/school is stressful and people are unreliable and the world is such a hot filthy mess. And we’ve gotta try and stay positive. Not only for the good vibes, but because otherwise your new friends will get annoyed with you and no one will listen to the crazy theories about modern life you’re constantly espousing. Or something like that.

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