I’m feeling a little lost today, a little unsure. I think this is a really weird time to be growing up, in this world that is moving faster and faster. All of this technology, all of these ‘advances’, are supposed to make things easier. But mostly I feel like they make things more difficult.
Now that we have all of these options, are we more free, or just prisoner to ever more mis-information? There used to be this really easy hetero-normative model to follow. There were great big landmarks that you checked off. School, marriage, babies, grandkids. Clean and simple. But that didn’t work. That was too far down on the scale. Especially because of how we define marriage, and how we’ve constructed the child-rearing system. Of course, the way we do it is only one way, and we could totally create other ways. And maybe thats what we’re trying to do in this moment, figure out new timelines that make more sense as time compresses. A time line that moves only forward is just one kind of timeline. Circles, cycles, memories and dreams: this is how i feel time moving in my life. I am grasping at time, trying to make it work for me.
But sometimes I feel like as I get older, I just lose things. I lost that sassiness you only have before heartbreak. I lost faith, in things like God and home and ‘everything happens for a reason.’ I’ve lost people, for reasons I think I’ll never really understand. I’ve lost some of that certainty that you have when you are just arriving in the world, and everything is bright and shiny, and it seems like it’ll be so easy to get to where you’re going.
What I’ve lost is balanced by what I’ve gained. But sometimes the holes that get left behind are more apparent than the additions to my life. I think so often of my mother, and how even after all she has lost, she is convinced that she is gonna be able to stick around and really live. Maybe that kind of certainty only comes with age and experience, because mostly I feel scared. I’m scared of losing more, scared of not reaching my full potential, scared of missing out. There is so much world, it’s changing so quickly, and we are all bogged down in our own teeny tiny personal lives. Sometimes I wanna roam and frolic, keep moving for as long as I can stand it. But then I remember. At the end of the day, what good is it if I get to see the Taj Mahal, if I can’t take my mom with me?
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, so I’ll end with a poem and a picture… 2 picutres:
But I miss the proximity of our bodies, the way we talked in code
and felt in tandem. I want so badly to say
‘I’ll never let you go’, but you are gone without even realizing,
and you’d only turn back and say ‘don’t be so hard on yourself.’
Maybe you don’t wanna come back,
and I can’t make you wish for what we had.