Wrap it Up, and Keep it Clean

So I went to Duane Reade for a few items yesterday. Downstairs, near the pharmacy, I faced a wall full of condoms. I am very into sex being an equal partnership, which means all parties are responsible for keeping it safe (and good). Personally, I find that stopping the process because you don’t have the proper coverage is AWFUL. And I for one don’t wanna be caught unprepared. So, after putting it off for more than a week, there I stood.

don't be scared, its just me!


And I realized, I know very little about condoms. Truth be told, I’ve really only ever bought them a few times in my life, because mostly I rely on guys. Which is totally lame and also unreliable. And that’s why I sucked it up and decided to make a purchase. But, I was perplexed. I mean, there are ‘her pleasures’ and ribbed and lubricated. There are 3 packs, 34 packs, MAGNUMS. I mean, how optimistic should a girl be? Maybe a 34 pack of MAGNUMS is wishful thinking, but just a 3 pack seemed like a waste of time. All the sudden my face got hot, and I started sweating, and I could feel the pharmacist’s eyes burning in the back of my head.

I grabbed what I think is a standard type in a median number and fled. I couldn’t look the young man behind the counter in the eye, even though I had other items. When I got out into the cold, rainy night I was hugely relieved. Which is really annoying, but probably typical. Listen, I am a single cute girl, and it isn’t outrageous at all that I should be in need of contraceptives. Also, even though I started to feel dirty and sinful (that shit gets really ingrained in us, doesn’t it?) I was actually being responsible and mature. I was doing something that showed forethought and sufficient knowledge of my actions and their potential consequences. I was being a smart cookie.

these are for smart cookies! yes we can!

But it’s hard to feel that way about it, because girls aren’t supposed to be smart (and sometimes we aren’t supposed to be mature and self sufficient either). And there is also this weird thing that its a guy’s responsibility, but we all know not every guys is a 10, or reliable, and that sometimes situations happen when you aren’t expecting them and the more prepared all parties can be the better. So despite my discomfort, when I use up my modest stash, I am gonna go back and get more. Also, I’m going to stop into Babeland on my way to work and suggest that they get some condom workshops on the schedule. I need some serious instruction, and maybe I’m not alone. I don’t wanna be caught unprepared, and I don’t wanna be caught unawares. Safe sex is good sex because instead of your mind worrying about all the various icky consequences, it can focus on your orgasm. Stamp.


8 thoughts on “Wrap it Up, and Keep it Clean

  1. I keep trying to ‘like’ comments but this is the real world isn’t it. Lane is easily the most knowledgeable person I’ve ever known. easily.

    It’s funny you speak about the shame thing, even from a male perspective there is pretty heavy duty shame. I remember taking forever to buy them at WAWA, I buried them under my italian hoagie (never shoplifted from that glorious establishment though, take note Lexi). Anyways, can’t even imagine the shame from a female perspective.

    Safe Sex always. I really see no room for discourse here. Coming from my current NO-sex viewpoint, safe sex would be a luxurious vacation in a tropical island. Glad SOMEONE in 1C is exercising their sexual organs in a positive way. Kudos.

    1. Stamp your position on safe sex (see what I did there!) It’s always a luxurious vacation when orgasms don’t end in itchy rashes, incurable viruses or babies we can neither afford nor find space for in this apartment.

      Follow up coming soon!

  2. i have a really serious question. is that obama with a condom picture for real?? or photoshopped? I approve of either one.

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