The wisdom of Salt N’ Peppa

Ok. Let’s talk about sexy (baby). PS I always thought Spindarella never got enough play in that group, just sayin’.

But I digress. Let’s talk about one night stands. Or, more accurately, sex with a stranger who you may or may not have talked to for more than an hour/actually like/exchange phone numbers with/ever see again.

I used to be a big fan of this situation. Let’s just call it like it is and say that I am a Scorpio and my sacral chakra is super open. If you have no idea what that means, Google some stuff and get back to me, I’ll wait.

I think that as women in this modern, non-stop millenium, we are getting confused about empowerment. Does empowerment mean sexing everyone who smiles at you and pretending not to care? Are we supposed to put up with all the bullshit because a strict sense of commitment is so mid-20th century?  I used to think so. I thought being able to have “casual” sex (which I now know is a myth) made me a feminist. It doesn’t.

So now I’m trying this new thing thats called “not putting up with bullshit.” This is cool, because it can work for anyone. It means that you decide what you really want, what you absolutely will not do without, and then you make sure to be super clear with everyone you deal with intimately. Because the thing is, getting naked with another person is intimate, and everyone needs to be on the same page if its gonna be great. It should be great. It shouldn’t be casual. In fact, the more I think about it, the more not casual I want sex to be. It should be moment-consuming, sweaty, well-paced (which will mean different things at different moments), cooperative and collaborative, respectful and considerate, and satisfying. Yes, that sounds perfect.

Now, different kinds of sex make different people happy. If commitment is important to you, you should make that clear and not settle for less. If you want a phone call the next day, say so. If you like lots of kissing, morning sex, dinner first, or a quickie without names, just SAY SO. Personal example: I have been in lots of grey areas, ie friends who have sex. The thing is, friends don’t have sex. Friends who have sex have sex, and this is a different category than just friends. And in my case, these ‘friends’ would seemingly have amnesia in the morning. Like we never saw each other naked. Like the whole flirtatious waltz of the previous evening never happened. Which is such bullshit. It’s such a cowardly cop out, a really weak wall to hide behind. So now I demand a kiss goodbye in the morning. It’s an acknowledgment of an shared experience. Its not a promise, its just a thank you for that naked moment, and goodbye. Its one of my only demands.

So seriously, don’t settle for bullshit just because you aren’t someone’s girlfriend. Sex is an intimate situation and if you trust someone enough to share in it with them you should demand that they respect you, in whatever way(s) you require. Don’t shoot for casual, shoot for exciting or mind-numbing or safe or comforting or plain old awesome. Remember, there is still a very real double standard. Men get to be cowboys and casanovas and women get to  be sluts and whores. Don’t let them convince you that without a g/f title or a ring you get the bare minimum. Sex shouldn’t be disappointing, so if (like I did) you find being unsatisfied with the overall experience, just try being more explicit with what you expect before, during, and after. Be loud. The louder the better.

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10 thoughts on “The wisdom of Salt N’ Peppa

  1. rocco: even pop song love needs a foundation of communication. i mean, if j time started singing ‘my love’ to me (cause he doesn’t have a new album out yet, ov) i’d probably just melt and do whatever he asked. that’s a problamatic pattern.

    lane: come over.

  2. Lack of communication is literally is the cause of 99% of the world’s problems. I’m not exaggerating that. Just fucking say it. Say what you want.
    Love this.
    Love you.
    Couldn’t possibly agree with you more if I was given 234 languages to agree in.

  3. And its not just that everyone isn’t talking. It’s that women (especially my age range) are encouraged to shut up, and men don’t really have to talk b/c their needs/wants are taken care of by mainstream culture. Like I said, cowboys and casanovas, sluts and whores. Its the ladies who need to be more assertive, because we all deserve to be sparkly and happy, so what it comes down to is believing that we deserve space in relationships (and ov in the general public sphere.)

  4. I’m just came here to say you’re lovely and so is your blog. I’ll get the convo going on a post I have more to input about.

  5. Ur a dope-ass lady… Have I ever told you that? I needed to read this… This is exactly what Im feeling and going thru right now… Thanx. I love you!

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